Posted on: December 27, 2009 by Diane
Starting in January, and each month through 2010, I am challenging myself - and you - to address some perspectives, prejudices, misunderstandings, or just nasty habits that I’ve acquired over the year. The goal is to learn and observe, and, possibly, change my perspectives and my habits!
So, if you dare, here’s the January Challenge…
Most of an iceberg is under the water, below the surface. Most of an iceberg can’t be seen. There is no way to tell how deep or wide or jagged or damaged or solid it is just by looking at what’s on top of the water.
So, the Challenge for January…to see everyone as an Iceberg. Before I judge, dismiss, ignore, presume. Everyone I see - everyone I interact with - everyone I talk to, wave to, see from afar - everyone. Look at them as if they are an iceberg. Look at them with the absolute assurance that what I see is so little compared to what really makes up this person.
And then…be Curious. Take the time to stop thinking about myself and my well-intentioned or, more often, ill-conceived standards that I use to calculate the person’s near miss, or total miss. Instead, throw out the measureing stick. Toss the self-imposed standards. Take the time to be curious about who that person is. What lies below the surface. The hurts, the successes, the fears, the worries, the joy, the sadness. What lies under the surface that supports what you see. Maybe that curiousity will lead to conversation; maybe only to a prayer extended on that person’s behalf.
For instance…
Why not pray that the woman who is painstakingly counting out the change from the bottom of her purse to pay for her coffee will not feel my irritation, but feel the presence of God at some time that day.
Why not ask the man at work who is constantly backstabbing your efforts, ask how the holidays were for him, what Santa brought him, what he did with his time off.
Change your mind from judging on sight, to seeking what’s real. Being curious about what lies below the surface. To the part of the person that God knows so well, and that we rarely take the time to uncover.
See everyone as an iceberg - and be curious about what lies below the surface.
Seems easy enough, right? I’ll let you know on February 1st what I found out - about others and myself. I challenge you to do the same!!
Posted on: December 9, 2009 by Terri
Isn’t that the title of a rock and roll song? As our CLEAR leadership team continues to think and pray and talk about all the things we want for women, these words keep coming to my my mind - girls, girls, girls. There are little girls, young girls, girls becoming women and women, like me, who like being referred to as a girl! For our team, age isn’t an issue; we want to come alongside all women and help them navigate through the waters of the Christian faith! We keep coming back to what we want most for all girls, young and old, - their own personal relationship with Jesus that transforms their lives.
2010 is almost here and we’ve planned a year full of opportunities for women to be challenged, to be inspired, to bring their friends, to meet other women, to serve other women and to pursue spiritual growth. We want all of you to come along as we continue the journey of becoming amazing women of God!
Watch this blog, talk to me (Terri Stone), Diane Karchner, Becky Preston, Renae Stone or Jennifer Thompson. We’re the CLEAR leadership team and we’re here to help you connect with God and each other and to help you grow in your faith. What are you waiting for? Jump in and be part of what God’s going to do in the lives of so many women!
Tags: Christianity, clear, Faith, friendship, God, individuality, jesus, Relationship, Women Filed Under: Christianity, Community, Influence, Leadership, Relationships, Women
Posted on: December 1, 2009 by Terri
The very words piqued my interest in late September. When this news special was announced on The Today Show, I was eager to listen to what Maria Schriver had to say. Reading Maria’s article at www.awomansnation.com shed some light on why she chose to do this study on women and how women are changing the landscape of the United States.
Maria’s mother was her role model - a woman who wore pants when women didn’t, she smoked cigars and worked outside the home. She says her mother raised her exactly like her brothers to believe she could do anything saying, “Maria, this may be a man’s world, but you can and will succeed in it.”
Out of her upbringing and more recently as the first lady of the state of California, Maria’s Women’s Conference was born. Her goal was to create a meeting place where women from all walks of life could come together and share experiences, information and motivate one another. When the 2008 conference sold out in 2 hours she knew something big was happening. Every workshop was packed with women wanting more. What did she learn? She learned that women are hungry for what’s missing in their lives - a place to connect! They feel isolated, invisible, stressed and misunderstood.
I’m certain the Women’s Conference is amazing, what it offers, its size, its celebrity. The lineup of speakers and workshop facilitators is unbelievable. I’m thrilled there’s a movement like this out there. Heck, I want to go! It’s about time women and men unite to bring attention to the inequalities that have existed for way too long, and further they’re working hard to do something about them.
Diane and I have dreamed, prayed, discussed and labored over the last few years hoping to create a Christian women’s movement like Maria’s through CLEAR. What’s different about what we’re doing is that it’s based on women having a relationship with God first and from that becoming deeply connected to one another, sharing burdens, influencing others, finding their voices and making significant contributions in their homes, churches, jobs and communities.
Women, we have the best advocate for equality and change that ever lived! We have Jesus. He came to breakdown all the barriers created from the fall of humanity and to give us what we need to bring about world change. The bottom line is that all the great speakers, workshops and money in the world don’t make a difference if they’re not based on helping women develop and grow in a relationship with Jesus. Why? Why, because there’s no eternal significance without him.
Imagine what we could do if we became razor focused on following Christ the way he asked us to and by uniting in a movement that would develop, encourage, empower and challenge women to make the world what God wants it to be!
Posted on: November 24, 2009 by Diane
from diane’s desk…
In a recent Huffington Post online article, Marcus Buckingham wrote about some research he is doing. He had a lot of really interesting things to say about women, and the decline in the general happiness of women over the last few decades. I’ll critique more of his series of articles in future posts, but one paragraph just jumped off the page at me…
When nationally representative polls of women and men are asked the question, “Which do you think will help you be most successful in life, building on your strengths or fixing your weaknesses?” men split right down the middle, whereas 73% of women report they would focus on fixing their weaknesses.
I would love to be able to scoff at that statistic. Deny its truth. But I can’t. And I bet most of you can’t either.
Why do women always think we need to be ‘fixed’? Why do we go to the ‘lack’ rather than the ‘abundance’?
John Maxwell, the leadership guru, often speaks of developing our strengths - the ones we know we have - instead of dwelling on getting that weakness fixed…into what? A mediocre strength? If it’s not a talent you have, why bother? Sort of like me thinking I can sing on stage. No amount of training or practice will ever qualify me to be the next Susan Boyle. Training might help me carry a tune - maybe - but it will never make me a star. I can’t fix the fact that I have a really sucky singing voice.
When I exercise my strengths, it is effortless. Leading, for me, is effortless. Public speaking, for me, is effortless. Writing is effortless. It brings me joy and comfort and energy when I am doing those things - they are my ‘zone’, as they say in the sports world. And when I work on developing these, they get even stronger. It’s how God wired me.
Just for this decade, or this century, can we concentrate on what God has created us to be - with the strengths he has given each of us, individually? And not worry so much about fixing the weaknesses that just sap our energy anyway? Frustrate us. Keep us out of the ‘zone’ where God can really use us.
So, join me. Concentrate on what’s NOT broken. Fix your focus, not your weaknesses. Focus on what keeps you in your zone. Just for this century.
Posted on: November 15, 2009 by Terri
It’s hard for me to not take “it” personally, especially when “it” comes to my work. My entire life I’ve loved working. My love for my work started with a few lucrative babysitting jobs, Orange Julius all through high school, managing a real estate office, corporate sales and marketing a few years later and today as the Director of Involvement at Christ’s Church of the Valley. No matter the position, I’m passionate about serving people, building relationships with co-workers and improving the environment in the workplace through my contributions.
The last few weeks I’ve heard a lot of criticism and complaints about areas I lead at the church. What’s worse is I didn’t hear the feedback directly. Boy, was I defensive, confused, hurt, jealous, angry. I kept thinking over and over, “Why didn’t these people come and tell me? They know me. They know how much I want things to be better.”
All week, my facebook posts reflected my reactions to this feedback. All the character flaws I constantly work on, rooted their ugly little heads - jealousy, anger, judgment.
If it weren’t for two good friends, I’d probably still be wallowing in it all. Today’s a better day; God was gracious enough to give me the time I needed to put everything in proper perspective. I realized I don’t have any control over people’s perceptions and the fact that they shared with others instead of sharing with me.
One friend reminded me that my dependence and focus on Jesus are what have kept me grounded in times like these. What’s most important is following him, serving him and others and letting him do the work through me. People are people, me included. We are works in progress. The only things I have control over are the things I say and do and how I exemplify Jesus to others. These are the things I should take personally!
Posted on: September 27, 2009 by Diane
from Diane’s desk…
Wow! Crazy few months for those in the world of celebrity (or politics, which many think are one and the same!). Let me summarize…
- Serena screams and walks off the court.
- Joe Wilson, an elected representative, yells at the President of the United States.
- Kanye West steals the moment from a deserving award winner.
- Mark Sanford cheats on his wife and then asks all Christians to forgive him.
Call all of it what it truly is. Rude. Incivil. Wrong. Sad.
I’d love to say my sensibilities wandered to praying for them, thinking about how to help them figure it out, forgive themselves, heal those they hurt. You know, pray ‘em up’. Nope. Didn’t do it. (Well, I did have un-prayer-like thoughts for Mrs. Sanford, but certainly not with intent of her showing her husband any kindness, for sure!!)
I judged. Almost immediately. I ripped out my self-righteous yardstick (I carry it with me everywhere!) and found them all seriously wanting compared to me. And, even though I can readily admit that I am far from perfect, for a wonderful few moments, I was better than someone else!! Whoa! I put some good icing on that delicious cake!!
I need to get over myself!! I don’t know about you, but for me, I need to learn to do what Jesus said. First, he made it very clear that comparing ourselves to what happens to others, to what road someone else is on, is not what God wants (John 21.20-23) for us.
Second, he made it clear to make sure that the plank (that would be a giant, honking two-by-four!) was outta my eye, so I could help (graciously, lovingly, humbly) someone else get the speck of sawdust (small, tiny, miniscule) outta theirs. (Luke 6.41)
He wants us to encourage each other, so we don’t stumble; and when (not, if…) we do trip, or even fall, not to turn away, ignore, oust ‘em, or laugh, gossip or…sigh, judge each other. He wants us to treat others the way we would like to be treated.
Famous or not…front page story or neighborhood barbecue…help each other up!
Posted on: September 20, 2009 by Diane
from Diane’s desk…
She had problems with her tone of voice, and her nasty disposition.
He was condescending and demeaning, and his team despised him.
It was obvious that she preferred working with men rather than women.
She was never satisfied with what anyone did, nothing was good enough.
All are descriptions of four managers I worked with during the first ten years in the world of business (several decades ago). I describe them with the harsh tones of someone too young to think past herself or to consider, in a mature light, what baggage others may have to bear.
When you are young, the business world needs your energy and creativity. It’s necessary to keep businesses growing and competing in the markets of today. You think you’ve got it all together. Unfortunately, that energy and creativity often lacks the perspective that comes with life experience.
To me, at the time, these people were just weak. I compared my strengths to their weaknesses, and they fell way short. Without life experiences, I had no idea how really weak my weaknesses could be. I had nothing to compare anything to, except to hold them up against my overblown lack of self-awareness.
Time gives perspective. Without stabs at the psychoanalysis of any of this, let me rephrase those descriptions with time as my perspective…
She had problems with her tone of voice, and her nasty disposition. After years in a physically and emotionally abusive marriage, she divorced him and has lived single ever since.
He was condescending and demeaning, and his team despised him. This was his third job in four years. He was fired from two jobs and laid off from one. He needed his team to perform well, immediately, and was willing to be hated to do it. He had four kids and a wife who spent her life in a wheelchair. He was fired again. He committed suicide.
It was obvious that she preferred working with men rather than women. Her father had abandoned her when she was nine; her mother lived with a different man every couple of years for as long as she could remember. She has been married four times.
She was never satisfied with what anyone did. Nothing was good enough. She was an ‘Army brat’ who moved alot. Home-schooled until her mom died when she was 15, she started attending public high school in 10th grade. She was the brunt of incredible teasing due to her lack of social skills. (Please - not a slam on home-schooling, just describing this woman’s experience.) She is now the executive vice-president of one of the banks recently bailed out by the government. She has never married. She has no children.
Everybody has a story. And no matter what, everyone needs the chance for acceptance. To be cut a break. To overlook as God so graciously overlooks our stupid stuff - constantly, even when, in the overlooking, it is uncomfortable for us, or hurtful, or confusing.
If someone (like your boss) forces you to go one mile (even if it’s in the wrong direction, you don’t get why you are going, or think your way would be better or faster or smarter or cleaner), go with him two miles. Matt. 5. 41
It doesn’t make any of their behaviors right. Giving others a break, biting the bullet a couple of times instead of jumping to a conclusion or making judgments. Walking a mile in someone else’s shoes only works for good if you are willing to not judge their shoes…but to give them a good shine before you hand them back.
Posted on: September 14, 2009 by Diane
from Diane’s desk…
I was channel surfing this weekend, and tripped over a movie I had seen before called In Her Shoes, starring Cameron Diaz, Toni Collette, and Shirley MacLane. At the end of the movie, reconciliation having run its healing course, one sister read this poem by ee cummings to the other.
I am not much of a poetry buff, and I rarely ‘get’ the symbolism that others relish in this literary form. But this one, just grabbed me by the throat. It moved me because the two sisters in the movie were so close, yet they rarely showed it. It brought me to tears because it wonderfully describes the connection my sister and I had…before she died. She and I never read poetry to each other, nor did we really talk about our feelings for each other. We knew. But as I listened to the poem, I truly wish that I had given her more tangible indication of how much I loved her.
Do something today to show love to those whose love you take for granted…show them, tell them, give them, something tangible.
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful, you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always shine is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
Posted on: June 7, 2009 by Terri
I got tripped up this week by an assumption someone made about me. Honestly, the comment took me by surprise! Thank goodness I’ve matured some over the last few years so I could let what was said go. Later, I did wonder why, in a room full of other people, this person made this assumption about me. What did I say? What did I do? As in the past, the comment was about my position on the church staff, and many times these comments have ruffled my feathers.
I automatically went back down the path of why aren’t women serving in the church in the same capacity as men - men AND women as senior pastors, worship pastors, student pastors - women leading other ministries in addition to women’s and children’s ministry.
I could go on and on with my thoughts and opinions about the state of men and women in leadership roles in the church, but I’ll leave that for another place and time. In reality, another person’s assumptions don’t matter in the scheme of things. The only assumptions and actions I can change are mine. While I work on these things, I long for the day when someone looks at me and makes the assumption that I follow Jesus because of my love for God and people. I also long for the day when I don’t give a rip about my role and title because all I care about is loving God and loving people. No other assumptions would be made and if they are, it won’t matter.
Posted on: May 5, 2009 by Terri
At church this past Sunday, I was talking with one of our ushers and she said she didn’t want to attend CLEAR’s conference in June because she doesn’t really like being around women. I wasn’t at all shocked by what she said. For many years, I didn’t like being around women either. I bet we’re not the only two women who’ve felt or feel this way! We females can be so hard on each other.
I’ve been on the receiving end of mean girl stuff and I’ve dished out plenty of my own stuff as well. At nine, my two best friends would regularly turn their backs on me and literally walk home from school on the opposite side of the street. In junior high, a friend wrote notes and put them in my locker, making me think I had a secret admirer. I didn’t make the drill team in high school because I wasn’t “in” with the upper class girls. As an adult, I was looked down on by the stay-at-home moms because I worked outside my home. Wives whose husbands worked for mine wouldn’t speak to me.
What I did to be that mean girl was use my brain and abilities to get back. I ran for class president in 10th grade simply because I knew I could beat my opponent - she was the girl who put the secret admirer notes in my locker. I had no interest in school government. For years I used words and relationships to demean and intimidate those girls and women who’d hurt me in the past.
It finally dawned on me about 10 years ago, that we women need to be for each other, not against each other. I needed to support women who made the choice to stay home with their kids and I needed their support for my choice to be in the workplace. I needed to celebrate other women’s accomplishments, not be envious. I needed to reach out to women who were struggling and lend them a hand. I needed to stop gossiping and criticizing when other women weren’t like me. I had to stop being a mean girl and become a nice woman.
Following Jesus has helped me become a ‘nicer’ woman. I still struggle with the old conduct, but what’s helped me change is my desire to show others who Jesus is through my words and actions. I can’t show other women who God is if I’m cold, jealous, deceitful and judgmental. Jesus is the opposite of those things.
I like women more now than I ever have. I hope that someday my usher friend feels the same way. We women would have so much more potential personally and together if we’d get on the same team. Am I wishful thinking? Is it possible for us girls to be for each other and not against? Can we be warm, supportive, honest and accepting of each other. I certainly hope so! The question is: Are we willing to do what it takes?
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